and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.