*Seductively hides in the woods
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger