Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Catercrombie & Fish
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown