Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Based Erika
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.