“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”