everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
translated into Canadian
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.