Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco