Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation