im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*