In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.