An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
#parenting
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you