Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
when nothing goes right… go left
Why is this me 😫