carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
lol
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate