Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
lol
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked