You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Denise please return my vape pen
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.