Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
damn he’s good
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*