When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*