Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You Might Also Like
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
No Google it does not
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!