I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
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Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Wait for it
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers