Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*seductively corrects your posture*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok