WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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*bounce*
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*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”