My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*