Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”