Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
something like this could probably happen to anyone
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My daily affirmation
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
that colleague who touches your screen
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The pen is writier than the sword.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that