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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.