Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.