[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample