My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My patience has stretch marks.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that