Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
decorating my apartment
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*