12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.