Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.