At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.