Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online