The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
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I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.