Put this video in the Louvre
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Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
This can never not be funny 😭😭
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Breaking news:
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.