It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….