I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
had to make it
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Dolls on drugs
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
me doing my best
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.