Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
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Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
It’s the weekend y’all
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
what day is it?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]