Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
You Might Also Like
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
😂 amazing answer
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes