We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.