Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Morning.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love