Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
when there are deer in the woods
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me irl
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”