Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.