Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen