You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
What if all the cashiers are married?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My plans: 2020:
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*