My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
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Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.