If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.