Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
You Might Also Like
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]