The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
become ungovernable
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him