Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You Might Also Like
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol